Tiger's Curse (Tiger's Curse, #1)
When I was nine years old, I wrote a story called "The Two Trees," which in addition to being basically plagiarized from a number of sources (most notably The Ordinary Princess, but also a smidge here and there from Aladdin the film and The Farthest-Away Mountain), was obviously written by a nine year old. Like, if you would have picked it up and read it completely out of context and then somebody asked you to list off three things that described it, the list would look something like this:
1. Princesses are neat,
2. Good handwriting,
3. Obviously written by a nine year old.
Unfortunately, Tiger's Curse reads like it could fit all three of those descriptors, too. Publishing is in a really sad state if someone who writes like I did at nine years of age can get published, when so many really talented authors receive rejection letter after rejection letter. If the industry was working the way it's supposed to, this book never would have made it to print.
You guys know I mean business because this is a one star review, and I NEVER do that. Pretty much if a book is even halfway competently written and I enjoy myself while reading it, it gets four stars. It's really not that hard to get four stars from me, even three if I can appreciate what an author has done, but it's just not my thing. Two stars is usually reserved for things that I'm morally opposed to or repulsed by (i.e. the anti-feminist awfulness of New Moon). But one star? One star means something went wrong on the chain of command. One star means this book never should have seen the light of day.
Let me be clear here: I don't have anything against Ms. Houck as a person. I'm sure she deserves wonderful things. She's a very nice woman. I know this because I met her, and she signed my book. This is actually why I bought the thing in the first place. She happened to be at my Barnes & Noble doing a signing, and I just happened to win a free t-shirt* in a raffle, so I thought what the hey, let's get a signed copy, you'll probably love this, you big sap. I certainly didn't anticipate having the reaction that I did. Because let me tell you something: this book is worse than Twilight on just about every level**, and that is not an exaggeration. In terms of characterization, description, plot development, pacing, and my God, dialogue, Twilight looks like Shakespeare in comparison to Tiger's Curse.
I mean, where to start with this book? I had such high mediocre hopes. The plot--eighteen year old American falls in love with an Indian prince who's cursed into the form of a tiger--sounded suitably ridiculous, and I appreciated that it was set in India, and that there were no vampires in it***. From there, it went downhill fast: The book has no overt structure, scenes do not flow one into the other with any kind of purpose, and there is no regard whatsoever for what I'm going to call "depth of time," for lack of a better term -- events in the novel just happen one after another, because the author needed them to, not because they fit organically in with the story. One minute something is happening, and the next, something else, with no connection in between. All of the characters come off as shallow and two-dimensional. We hear what they're thinking very literally, but we never feel it. (This is how I know my issue with this book is the writing, and not the story: good writers are supposed to make you forget you're reading.) Our main character Kelsey is emblematic of everything that is wrong with this book. Ms. Houck seems to think that telling us what color ribbon she ties in her braid every morning is riveting, character-telling stuff. But it just comes off as immature. What eighteen year old ties colored ribbons on the end of a braid? More importantly, what narrative would ever think that was important? But the biggest problem with Kelsey is that she comes off as incredibly stupid, when she's not supposed to. She travels to India with a man she's just met, she gets incredibly close to a dangerous wild animal with almost no narrative justification, and her decision making skills when it comes to prince-in-disguise Ren are non-existent****.
I think it's important to note that I'm 100% positive that Ms. Houck did not mean for her characters or her story to come off this way. Unlike Stephenie Meyer--who Ms. Houck not coincidentally lists as an influence--Ms. Houck has no agenda to push, and her characters are attempting to stand for something important. I can tell that she wants Kelsey to be viewed as a strong, independent young woman. She just has no conception of how to WRITE her that way. Or write at all, really. Reading Tiger's Curse, I was actually BORED, and there was some crazy shit going down. It was like reading a bad fanfic. Description, inner monologue, dialogue, all of it: flat. Immature. Just plain bad writing. I don't know of any other way to convey this without sounding like an asshole.
So how did this book get published in the first place? Ms. Houck self-published it as an e-book on Amazon, and enough brain-dead pre-teens downloaded it to draw the attention of movie studios, at which point Barnes & Noble's new YA imprint, Splinter, bought the rights to what they obviously perceived as their chance at the next Twilight, the next Hunger Games. And to that I say, good luck to you, but you know what might actually be a good idea? Publishing someone who can actually write. Also, stop trying to find the next "_____". FIND SOMETHING ORIGINAL AND GOOD AND PUBLISH THAT INSTEAD.
There is no next Hunger Games. Publishers aren't even going to see that next thing coming, and when it does, they're going to copy the hell out of it, too, because it's easier, less risky financially, than taking a chance on something that might actually be good. At least Tiger's Curse, as poorly written as it was, was attempting to be original (as original as the teen supernatural romance genre can be, anyway). There's a lot of good information about Indian culture in here; Ms. Houck clearly did her homework. However, her characters spout it off at the most awful moments. It's never organic -- hello, Expositionville, Expositiontown, located in Exposition-nation. And that's really the biggest problem the book has. It's all concept, but no follow through. Don't even bother trying to read this for kicks, like I did with Twilight. It's not that kind of bad. Don't believe me? Pick up the book at random and turn to a page, any page at all. Chances are, you'll see what I mean.*****
- - -
*So I won this t-shirt, and I was like YES. FREE T-SHIRT. And when I went to claim my prize, Ms. Houck asked me which t-shirt I would like: the one with one tiger, or the one with two, and OBVIOUSLY I picked the one with TWO TIGERS, because why would you have a shirt with just one tiger on it, when you could have a t-shirt with TWO TIGERS instead? No brainer.
**No fictional character will ever do as much harm to the cognitive development and cultural landscape of teenage girls as Bella Swann has in the past five years. If this book had been well-written, Kelsey would probably whip Bella's ass five times in a row. As is, she's nothing more than an empty, shallowly disguised author stand-in.
***Unless you count kappas.
****Let's play a game called PREDICT WHAT HAPPENS IN THE NEXT FOUR BOOKS: 1) Each book will involve finding one item to break the curse, 2) Kelsey will become confused and fall "in love" with Ren's brother, Kishan, and Ms. Houck will spend multiple books with her puzzling her way out of this "dilemma," 3) Ren will become either insanely jealous and fight with his brother, or nobly fall on his sword to give his lady love what she wants, or both, 4) Somebody will be coincidentally related to somebody else, 5) Kelsey will coincidentally be the reincarnation of somebody we've heard about, or at least be related to them, 6) Kelsey will save the day, 7) Ren and Kelsey will get together and live happily ever after. See? You don't even need to read the rest of the books. Ten bucks says I'm right on this.
*****I feel bad about this review, but I really needed to say it. I'm incredibly frustrated that some editor didn't sit down with Ms. Houck and try to help her salvage something out of this, because I really think it could have been a great story in the right hands.